Saying Goodbye to a Dear Friend-The Sutterstache Eulogy

Ladies and gentlemen (and Chad), we are gathered here today not to mourn a life lost, but rather to celebrate a life lived. For how can you not celebrate a life as spectacular as the one lived by the Sutterstache? During its all-too brief time with us, it made us laugh...at its absurdity. It made us cry...as we laughed at its absurdity. It brightened our day and haunted our dreams. It brought joy to few and nightmares to many. And now, today, we lay it to rest as its very essence is transported to what we can only imagine is a place filled with mustache cups, tiny combs and those mini hair trimmers that keep everything neat and tidy.

The Sutterstache started like all of us do, small and seemingly unable to survive in this crazy world. But throughout its 31 day lifespan, it blossomed to something no one ever expected. It grew before our eyes; going from dust to fuzz to shadow to fluff and then to something resembling a caterpillar before finally reaching the stage that can only be described as looking like an eyebrow that got stuck on a one-way trip to the chin. That's right folks, before we knew it, the little 'stache that shouldn't was all grown up and ready for an appearance in a cheap motel room with a heart-shaped Magic Fingers bed.

It was so magnificent, so astounding and so profoundly disturbing that it generated its own Twitter hash-tag and a descriptive emoticon. People from Raleigh to Durham to Chapel Hill were mesmerized by it like bugs are by illuminated light bulbs. Cameras suddenly took on a life of their own and snapped its likeness over and over again. For 31 glorious days, we were all mustache fans; the number of people here today is a testament to that.

You see, if nothing else, the Sutterstache will be remembered for uniting us under one facial hair style. It brought us together as we anxiously scanned the horizon for a white windowless van. It bonded us as we wondered how many hockey-related double entendres and adult film jokes we could make at one time. Not to mention the fact that it may have singlehandedly rejuvenated the market for velour track suits and gold chains which I think we can all admit is a look we've really wanted to see make a comeback. Given enough time, I'm not entirely sure that solving the oil crisis and creating peace in the Middle East would have been outside the realm of possibility.

But perhaps the most startling gift the Sutterstache gave us all was the way it transformed the owner of its host lip. Seemingly overnight the mild mannered Lady Byng candidate became a penalty-taking, F-bomb dropping, ref back talking, fighting ball of hate. As the Sutterstache filled in, this attitude grew and now as we lay the Sutterstache to rest, we're left wondering if we must also bid farewell to this new persona. But much like the question of how long our grief will last, only time will allow us to resolve this final concern. Be patient, my friends, because every day will get easier.

On behalf of all Sutterstache's friends and family, I'd like to thank you for coming this evening to say goodbye to a dear, dear friend. Upon the request of the Sutterstache prior to its timel...errr...untimely demise, a brief memorial video has been put together that will close our service today. As you come forward to pay your final respects, please feel free to leave a special message for Sutterstache in the sink bowl to your right.